Being christened into a Catholic family but with a Mum whom never really pushed us to practice our beliefs I did quite like the thought and found comfort in the fact there was some greater Being watching over us and providing an afterlife of happiness for our lost loved ones...as long as they were good!
However, since the age of 7, when my father died, I have really struggled with my faith. Believing no God could possibly take a child's father away from them...surely he wouldn't be that cruel?
Losing my father had a huge impact on me, for a long time (and sometimes still) I felt angered that I wasn't enough for him to stay alive for, I felt lonely and latched on to my Gramps for that father figure in my life and massively saddened when I couldn't share my good news with him...exams, driving test etc. Worse still when I couldn't get him to beat up those waste of space ex's ;) I strongly believe this is where my attraction for older men comes from....a whole different blog!
The rebellious side of me likes to see how far I can push my faith ....I do feel I might selfcombust if I was to walk into church but there is still a huge part of me that can't quite let go. I think it's the fear I may be wrong (which ain't that often...I am female after all) and then turned away from the big pearly gates to live an eternity in the pits of hell! The thought of us being born to live and struggle to then just die and rot scares the creepers out of me. There has to be more to our existence...right?
A death of a loved one brings me closer to my beliefs but I think it has more to do with me taking comfort they have moved on to a better place rather than lying in the ground. When my father died I always remember how my Mum told me. We sat looking up at the stars and she pointed at the brightest one and said, your Daddy is now one of the angels looking down on us and keeping us safe. Nice thought for a child. However, when your older and you meet boys it's a bit off putting to think so many people (especially your FATHER) are looking down on you ;) if you catch my drift!
I used to have weird rituals and code words where I would say out loud 'private time' and think this would stop any spirits from seeing me, or if the lights weren't on (if I can't see in the dark they sure as hell can't) or if I wasn't in Carlisle then they wouldn't know because they don't have GPS...I know I'm seriously strange!! ;-p
Growing even older and having more of an understanding on just how cruel we as humans can be to each other weakened my faith further. Someone who is supposed to be so good, loving and caring wouldn't allow such suffering to innocent people ...would they? Strangely though when I do start having serious doubts something weird will happen...like George Michael will come on the Radio (I knnnow who plays George Micheal these days) 'You gotta have Faith'! Now I know it ain't about God but the title haunts me.
However, at 9pm last night two tall men knocked on the door and to their horror my husband answered.......they were Jehovah Witnesses and they are yet to meet the most heathen individual EVER so I'm quite nervous as to his reaction! To my shock Ian told them to 'HOP IT' and shut the door on them before they could utter a word. This restored my faith in God again....The hubby usually swears (true story)!!
It's a constant yo-yo battle for me!